(BTW: working title is Lives at Masada.)
FADE IN: EXT. SPACE-MILKY WAY- We take in the galaxy in its full immensity and majesty. HAROLD (O.S.) If you were to take the space/time continuum... We rush forward, everything blurring. EXT. SPACE-SOLAR SYSTEM- We come to rest in our solar system. HAROLD (O.S.) And place yourself in any given point... We are suddenly jerked forward, towards Earth at an accelerated rate. EXT. SPACE-EARTH- Earth calmly rotates, carrying on with its orbit. HAROLD (O.S.) You would still be insignificant. Better yet, nothing... We rush through the atmosphere, in the direction of America, eventually correcting the trajectory so that we're coming down in New York. EXT. NEW YORK-DAY The streets are packed, it looks to be lunch hour. We continue descending. EXT. HAROLD'S BUILDING-DAY We come to rest in a street facing a grey multi-storied building. There is construction happening at different stages on lots to both sides of the building. A massive explosion instantaneously blows out every floor in the building except for the bottom two. As the debris is still rising into the sky like confetti at a giant's party, everything freezes. HAROLD (V.O.) I'm a speck in the midst of all of the other specks. Can you see me? Better yet, can you see how a thirty-two year old man who spends too much money on sexual enhancers and lives in one of the greatest cities in the world went from... INT. HOSPITAL-DELIVERY ROOM-NIGHT HAROLD'S MOTHER has her legs open and she alternates between gasping for air and screaming in pain as a tiny BABY HAROLD comes out from between her legs, covered in the juices of life. HAROLD (O.S.) Here... EXT. HAROLD'S BUILDING-DAY The frozen debris still suspends itself in the air, like a giant mobile built for all of New York to see and wonder at. HAROLD (V.O.) To here? Still can't see me? Okay, we'll pretend it's football... A white line, zig-zagging through the debris appears, mapping a course towards one of the apartments, it stops in front of a tiny-from-this-distance HAROLD KEELY, as if he were just born, flying out of his apartment like superman. An arrowhead appears on the line, pointing him out. We can barely see him, he's just a speck. HAROLD (V.O.) May as well get in closer, you're going to have to get to not know me anyway. We rush forward, taking the course through the debris that's been mapped out to us by the arrow. We pass through a miniature asteroid belt of floating rubble as we approach Harold. INT. HAROLD'S BUILDING-HAROLD'S APARTMENT-DAY As we enter the vicinity of Harold's apartment, we pass half an animal, frozen in mid-air; a dog. HAROLD (V.O.) Please, don't mind the dog. The problem with animals is that they're not human. As humans we have expectations of one another. What are you? We come to rest on HAROLD, aged thirty-two, plastic, oval glasses on a square face -an average man. He's flying through the air, superman style, holding a penis pump in his hand. HAROLD (V.O.) A doctor. A businessman. A repairman. A lawyer. You can be a lot of things as long as you're some thing. Dogs are just dogs. They have no ambition and as such, animals we call pets are the number one welfare recipients in the world. They should be looked down upon... I'm sorry, my mind wanders. I think it all went wrong for me when my father was on vacation in Petropolis in Brazil. EXT. PETROPOLIS, BRAZIL, 1972-RANCH-DAY HAROLD'S FATHER stands next to a horse, smiling at the camera. The horse throws out its hoof and connects with his crotch. He lurches forward, face contorting in pain. The footage freezes. HAROLD (O.S.) That was probably the single most important event of my pre-life. EXT. PETROPOLIS, BRAZIL, 1972-RANCH-NIGHT HAROLD'S FATHER and HAROLD'S MOTHER have sex on a field next to a camp fire. There are large white boulders behind them. As they have sex, the shadows the fire cast on the boulders continually split apart and become one again. HAROLD (O.S.) That night, what should have been an abortion, was conceived. FADE TO BLACK: HAROLD (O.S.) And please, don't get me started, I know people hate narration. They just hate it! A lot of experts consider it a crutch. Just hang in there, I'm trying to give you those moments of my life that actually meant something in Cliff's Notes form. Consider this the prologue. I promise that after this, I won't be so full of myself as to comment on my own existence. INT. HAROLD'S BUILDING-HAROLD'S APARTMENT-DAY Everything's still frozen. We move in close to Harold's plain face. HAROLD (V.O.) Look at that. Could there have been a crueler joke? Could I be more Joe? And, of course, the particular blow that tops it all off -note the hint of the prominent cheek bones. It's as if God was about to do something kind of exotic, but decided to run to McDonald's real quick before finishing. McDonald's I have an interesting story about that but I'll save it for later. Why do I point this out? Because it has to do with sex, like everything has to do with sex. INT. CHURCH-SUNDAY SCHOOL-DAY YOUNG HAROLD, now at twelve, sits quietly behind YOUNG SANDRA, a pretty twelve year old. An OLDER WOMAN speaks to the kids from the front of the class. HAROLD (V.O.) My first sexual encounter was at the age of twelve at Sunday school. When she sat in front of me, all I could do was stare at her ass and think about her sitting on me. Sandra is my best friend to this day and she's a devil of a woman. INT. BEDROOM-NIGHT SANDRA MOBILE, thirty-two, attractive with short red hair, is having sex, doggy style on a bed. We can only see her back and the giant tattoo of a pentagram on it, as she lurches back and forth. HAROLD (O.S.) Literally, she became a Satanist. INT. CHURCH-SUNDAY SCHOOL-DAY Harold peeks into a room through the glass panelling in the door. After a few seconds, he runs and hides around the corner. A MAN exits the room and as Sandra comes out, wiping her mouth, Harold walks up and stops in front of her. She looks at him, nods and they walk back in, closing the door. HAROLD (O.S.) Part of the deal was that I didn't tell anyone that she was blowing the minister. Man, those were the days of wine and roses -blow jobs haven't been that good since. INT. BETH'S BEDROOM-NIGHT HAROLD, age eighteen, is humping away on BETH, a pretty eighteen year old. Beth lies quietly, eyes open wide, staring at him expressionless. HAROLD (O.S.) I couldn't get her off. It was my fault she couldn't achieve critical mass. INT. HAROLD'S BUILDING-HAROLD'S APARTMENT-BEDROOM-NIGHT HAROLD, twenty-six, sits naked in a chair facing the bed. On the bed sits JENNIFER, twenty-two, naked and waiting. HAROLD I'm sorry. HAROLD (O.S.) At the age of twenty-six, I was already suffering from penile dysfunction. It was my fault I couldn't get it up. At that moment I did what any sane man would do... Harold gets up and punches Jennifer, she falls over from the impact. HAROLD (O.S.) I punched the bitch and blamed her for it. EXT. HAROLD'S BUILDING-HAROLD'S APARTMENT-DAY We're close on Harold, flying superman, penis pump and all. HAROLD (V.O.) Those were the most formative events of my life. It's sad, the most important things in your life and you can package them for mass consumption in six minutes. EXT. HAROLD'S APARTMENT BUILDING-DAY Harold is a tiny speck, frozen in the distance. HAROLD (V.O.) Anyway, you're probably anxious to get on with the show. Don't let my living keep you from it. Just know this, my story ends here. There will be no revelations after this, just ash and smoke. My story starts at its end. All my dreams used the device of the Finnegan's Wake, it's only fitting that my life would work out in this manner. Everything comes to life, the final bellows of the explosion roars through the spaces of the street, the debris comes down, smashing cars and slamming into other buildings like fragmented hammers of God's fury. The force of the explosion rocks the frame on one of the constructions sites, causing it to partially collapse.
Thanks in advance.